


we're in this game together

by sazzafraz



Series: open season [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Family Feels, M/M, Multi, this is less about romance and more about family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 13:12:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10854705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sazzafraz/pseuds/sazzafraz
Summary: Kakashi has got this, you'll see.





	we're in this game together

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was advertised as dick jokes and sadness. It is not that although I tried. It just really, really wanted to be about how much Kakashi loves his dumb kids.

At any given moment, if not specifically asked, Kakashi’s favourite person to have ever existed ever is Sakura.

The little shit knows it too. 

She shouldn’t be in the bar. Not because she’s not allowed but because he can’t properly remember that he isn’t responsible for her, even with his rather lax definition of it. Sexy costume night is just an extra bit of intellectual struggle. “You know why you’re sleeping with her right?”

“Oh?”

Sakura, who is in a shiny dress he doesn’t like at all, leans against the dirty bar and adjusts her bunny ears. “She has Tsunade’s chin.”

That...is not what he came to hear.

“Excuse me?”

“The kid last week had Sai’s hands and the little one in the kitten costume had  _ big  _ blue eyes.” Sakura bats her big green eyes and he’s stricken with the thought that he might have fucked some green eyed girl at some point. 

“Sakura,” his voice is strained. “Have  _ some  _ pity.”

“Rule number nine: ruthlessness is it’s own reward.”

“Have some respect.”

“I will respect you in the morning.”

It’s too damn late to get Team 7 to respect him as someone who has theoretical boundaries, he knows, but sometimes you have to try. “Sakura.”

She balances her head on her hand, sweet smile pasted on. “Sensei.” She smiles sweetly. “I’ll bring you fried stuff.”

She does, which is the first sign he truly has a problem. 

\--

It’s not that he’s sexually attracted to every person he has accidentally cared about or bonded to emotionally. Despite what his mandated yearly therapists think he isn’t using Icha Icha to distance himself from the reality of human relationships or to space out the emotions that every person naturally feels in a way that allows him to control it. Some think it was his father’s suicide, some think it was Obito, some think it was Rin and ANBU and that the most trusted adult in his life decided more violent murder was the solution to PTSD. To be fair to Minato, the idea of long term trauma has only be validated in the last ten years or so, mostly by the horrific ongoing treatment of Naruto. They’re probably all right to some extent, and he’s not sure why the betting leans so  _ heavily  _ towards Obito, but he’ll freely admit his greatest joy is watching them read over all the notes, writing little comments about how they furiously disagree with the last assessment. Each and everyone one of them do, however, agree that he is full of shit. 

Sakura enters his apartment, neatly sidestepping the traps.

“Hey, so, I totally respect your choices,” she starts, “but I also run your STD panels. So if this is going to continue you’ll have to come in for more shots.”

Kakashi is silent for a moment, then, “how’s living with thing one and thing two?”

“Wouldn’t know, I refuse. Sensei,” Ah, it must be serious for her to pull this one out. “There’s some stuff we need to talk about.” 

“I don’t-”

“No. No, it’s not a disease but you know you’re still registered with ANBU medical? There’s a rule about declaring sexual partners for the panels and even though I do them all personally they’re tagged for review by Tsunade.”

Instead of contemplating all the horrors of  _ that  _ Kakashi goes over to his beautiful coffee machine and starts pressing buttons. 

Sakura nudges him and points to a second mug. Her mug, really. “And that any ANBU member with more than thirty five partners in a six month period has to do the  _ full run  _ of specialist checks.”

“It hasn’t been that many. And I’m not in ANBU.” When the hell did that become a thing?

“Last night was thirty seven. Threesomes count as separate people.” Sakura momentarily considers what that means for her life, disgust and fondness flicking across her face, before returning to the matter at hand. “You’re still registered with ANBU medical. Which I told you to change.”

“They have discounts and a great AMA discharge policy.”

“Yes, thank you for flagrantly abusing that throughout my childhood. It was an awesome lesson for the boys to internalise.”

He snorts. “They were always going to be terrible and you made bad choices too.” 

Sakura snorts, taking her coffee with three sugars and a hint of caramel. He can tell she’s on at least three uppers but hey, she’s the medical expert. For himself he makes it black and adds two sugar cubes. It won’t make much of a difference to the taste but he likes to think it makes a difference to his day.   

“Do you want a hug?” Sakura whispers. She has her mug sitting by her lips, eyes kind and searching.

“Inappropriate right now.” Kakashi grunts. “But I’ll remember you offered.” 

“Right, also.” She bites her lip. “Um, you need to get a...buddy?”

“A buddy?”

“To make sure you don’t have sex? They’ll have to certify that your partner count has gone down over a period of four months.” she clarifies. 

“That seems very easy to cheat.”

“Civilians.” Sakura shrugs. “They’ve farmed out all non-classified therapeutic work. It keeps you  _ responsible.  _ And yes, I did go outside and piss myself laughing when they told me that.”

She pulls out some papers from...somewhere and shoves them  under his nose. Out of sheer reflex he starts reading. 

“A no sex partner.” He feels his eyebrows rise. “Fuck.”

“No. Not that.” 

“Sakura-”

“Not me.”

“Of course not you,” he says horrified.

“Good, good. So you’ll get that sorted?”

“I guess I better.”

“I did bring you fried stuff.”

She did at that.

After a moment of fiddling, she blushes. “It has to be someone you’ve never had sex with,” she continues, “and someone you respect.”

\--

There’s only one person for this no sex thing and Kakashi is going to climb mountains to avoid telling him about it. Luckily his relationship with Gai contains multitudes. And occasionally larceny and arson. 

It’s arson he’s thinking of when he strolls towards Gai’s preferred training grounds.

Kakashi would count the day he woke up and realised that Gai  _ really  _ did it for him as one of the most excruciating moments of his life. Thankfully he has a background in gratuitous trauma that pushed it back a few spots. Instead he simply files it away with every other uncomfortable realisation for review at a later point, possibly when he’s on his deathbed.  

He did briefly consider Iruka, since they barely know each other and have never so much as touched, but the last time they interacted Iruka threatened him with things he is still somewhat scandalized by and kicked him out a window for good measure. It seemed counterproductive to try and cajole someone into not fucking him when the only chemistry between them was that one partner really wanted to do unspeakable things to the others body.

Gai stretches. It’s beautiful. Terrible. Ugh.

Gai turns, grins and puts his hands on his hips. “Well, hello.”

Kakashi is deeply, horrifyingly sure that no one else finds that seductive. “I need your help with something.”

“Of course.” He straightens up walking forward with unique efficiency. “Anything you need.”

For a second Kakashi leaves his body, joins the afterlife, finds a clone version of himself who assures him that yes he really is about what to say is going through his head, then returns to earth to try and hide the beginnings of an erection. “I need you to not have sex with me.”

Gai frowns. “I did not know I’d been invited?”

Death. Please, death. “In a professional capacity. Here it is...” He explains quickly and efficiently. “So are you up for it?”

“Well I can’t be ‘up’ for it.” Gai grins blindingly. “But of course, rival. I’ll always help you.” 

\--

Because secrets are currency, and in Gai’s vicinity prone to being screamed out just for the joy of it, Kakashi is forced to attend a social gathering organised by Sakura and Lee. Formally it’s to acknowledge that they’ll be working more closely together until Kakashi is off sex-probation. Informally Kakashi suspects Sakura has had too many back to back shifts and may have threatened to stab herself or others if she wasn’t allowed time off. Too much time in hospital turns her into a more anti-social, less self controlled Tsunade, a horror too many have witnessed.

It’s at Sakura’s home, her parents are away and it’s big enough to house all of them, and he enters through the kitchen window. Late, of course. Sakura doesn’t bother to look up at him, just points at a bowl of cherries. He picks it up surreptitiously. “It looks like all the children turned up today.”

“Well our dads are getting together,” she replies cheekily. “Also Naruto can really cook.” She leaves it open to interpretation but Kakashi knows her. The ways in which Naruto and Sasuke force her out of her box and into the open tend to clash with the deep seated civilian morals she grew up with. In her head she should be the one to cook despite the fact that she has the palette of a half drunk raccoon and the skill to match. 

“Thank god for that,” he says unhelpfully. “I was worried you’d all starve to death.”

Sakura smiles wanly. “Sasuke’s actually better but I don’t want them to fight.”

Kakashi pats her on the shoulder gently. She shrugs it off, opening one of the tupperware containers. Whatever is inside smells meaty. She sighs. “Naruto! No more mushrooms!”

“But they’re cheap!” Naruto calls back.

“You’re a kept man now.” she replies dryly. “We all know I’m the one with the money.”

“Hey. Sasuke isn’t too bad off.”

“Not that he can figure out his budget.” She throws a commiserating glance at him. Kakashi raises an eyebrow in reply. “Did you know that he just let his landlord take whatever amount out of his bank account until he came back? He has no idea how much he has at any given moment.”

Kakashi snorts. Sasuke is detail orientated but so tunnel visioned when he has a goal that he could well believe that.

“I can do the accounts.” “I can do a lot of things.”

“Yes you can.” Kakashi states firmly. Of all his kids Sakura both needs to hear and responds best to his approval. The fact that she so clearly deserves it makes it easy for him too. 

Dinner passes in a blur. Lee starts crying in the middle of a toast he doesn’t need to give. Kakashi retreats to a nice corner in his head that has saved him many a headache. Gai has his arm over the back of his chair murmuring to Tenten about knives. Neji is engaged with a pleasant exchange of hostilities with Sasuke over some warrior from six centuries ago. He could have been a Hyuuga or a Uchiha and it is deathly important they solve this now. Sakura is drinking in the kitchen, she said she was getting more bread but they’re all to polite to mention it. 

Gai leans over. “I have a new competition.” He’s using his real inside voice. The one he only started to modulate when Tenten got caught on a mission. His usual booming voice was excruciating for her while the scarring healed around her eardrum. She still has sensitive hearing so when not in a public space he tones it down. It is still uncomfortable for Kakashi, who started with heightened senses, but less than usual. 

Kakashi demures for the appropriate amount of time. It’s easy enough to play like he isn’t interested when he can count the inches between them on one hand, smell the dirt and forest on Gai’s skin. It’s nearly enough to distract him from Naruto when he switches to hard liquor, although not enough to keep him from snitching to Sasuke at the first opportunity.   

He’s balancing upside down holding an egg on his pinky toe when he glances over. Gai has his tongue between his teeth. He’s grinning ear to ear, happy to be here, happy to be doing this with him. It makes some rotten, scarred over part of his heart beat wildly. He never got the chance to just do dumb shit with his teammates the way his own kids do (he has also never thrown four rasengans together on the premise that ‘more will go twice as fast’, nor has he recreated the experiment with chidori because it will ‘explode more twice as fast’, they are so, so lucky to have Sakura) and Gai in his generous, overbearing spirit always offers that. 

Gai leans over. “What?”

This is next four months. Kakashi drops his egg.

Gai whoops one handed, still upside down. “We’re even again!”   

“Dude.” Naruto shakes his head sadly. “You gotta work on that.”

Kakashi swipes his feet out from under him, takes his beer and drains half of it in the time it takes for Naruto to squawk. “Dude. Thanks for the beer.”

Sakura punches her boyfriend in the head before picking him up and shoving him at her other boyfriend. Kakashi turns so that the long line of his throat is obvious. Lee says something while he and Gai clear up the dining table. 

\--

He wakes up to a problem. He sends one of his dogs to get Sakura.

He’s not sure why anyone gave him a phone. He doesn’t use it except to take pictures of dogs, record people for blackmail and to occasionally call someone to do something he doesn’t want to do. Well, add a fourth, somewhat risque reason but hey, doesn’t everyone? Poor Yamato who was his first and only phone contact for a solid two months. 

Eh, who's he kidding, the kid probably needed someone to annoy him.

Sakura shows up wrapped in a blanket, Naruto in tow. She makes herself a cup of coffee, pacifies her boyfriend and flips through the random magazines on his coffee table before she deigns to deal with the actual problem. She plucks the phone out of his hand. 

Naruto peers over her shoulder. “Hey whats- OH MY GOD WHY?”

Sakura tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “We should take a look at that mole.”

“THAT IS HIS BALLSACK.”

“I told you we should have done a check on it.” Sakura chides.

Naruto gapes at his girlfriend. “WHY AREN’T YOU FREAKING OUT?”

She rolls her eyes as if to say  _ this boy, what an idiot,  _ a sentiment Kakashi would take more seriously if she hadn’t actively and aggressively chosen him out of 99.9% of the population. “I’m his doctor. I once watched him get a prostate exam.”

“Wasn’t that fun.” Kakashi mutters. He’s not sure why the doctor decided they needed to see a prostate exam  _ right then  _ but he takes solace in the fact that it was Sakura, two older civilians and the old man who runs the clinic near the brothels. No one he is willing to be judged by.

Naruto genuinely looks moved to tears. “WHY.”

Sakura taps the phone against her chin thoughtfully. “Tsunade was mad at him, Shizune was gone, Matsuko was busy, ah, the ANBU medic was mad about him not calling back the day after. It was near the end of my rotation and I hadn’t seen one yet.” She shrugs. “Things came together.”

“Oh my god.” Naruto actually looks faint. “Oh my god Sakura.”

“I did three prostate exams this week.” Sakura places a comforting hand on his shoulder, completely missing the issue. “They’re not the least bit personal.”

“It’s his ballsack.” Naruto whispers. “That’s where the balls are.”

Sakura sighs, clearly giving up on it. She hands Kakashi his phone back. “We really should look at that mole. Also it only sent to your contacts in this folder.”

“Ah.” Kakashi nods to himself. Much better. “So Asuma, Kurenai, Genma and Gai. Ah well.”

“Are they on the list or should I add them to it?” Sakura says wryly. “Asuma may have a problem with this given that Kurenai is approximately very much pregnant.”

Naruto clutches at his chest. “You and  _ Kurenai? _ ”

“Him and everyone pretty much.” She pats his face condescendingly. “Keep up dear.”

“You-”

“ _ No. _ ” They say together.

“Good.” Naruto crosses his arms and glares at Kakashi for good measure. 

Sakura looks charmed and vaguely horrified. Kakashi would put that expression between discovering the joys of Gai’s post training massage and watching a mother hamster lovingly groom its young before leaning down and chewing its head off. “Not to rush you two along...”

Sakura pouts at him, and he can see the cogs in her evil little mind turning. She’s not leaving until she’s finished her fun. Naruto is the surprise, stepping forward to put a gentle hand on Kakashi’s elbow. “You know there are ways to work out your body shame that don’t involve putting yourself at risk of venereal disease. It can feel good to relieve those pressures with another person but when you refuse to connect with the innate humanity of the act you begin to rob yourself of a true experience making it almost like self harm.” Naruto says calmly. “As ninja we accept that physicality and violence are part of our lives without connecting to both of those things on a more self compassionate level. Sex can be just as addictive and numbing as alcohol and drugs.”

Sakura and Kakashi stare at him. 

“Jiraiya gave me a lecture once.” Naruto concludes solemnly. “I have the number of a sex therapist.” 

Sakura looks absolutely delighted at this turn of events. Kakashi really needs to just shut that one down, just kill it right now. She can’t have that in her arsenal. 

Unfortunately her grin grows far too wide, she says, “That is an excellent idea Naruto. Really great. I think we should really push this one.” And pecks Naruto on the cheek. Fuck. 

Naruto grins, happy to make her happy, and pats his pockets for paper. “Ah-”

“In the bathroom. Next to the table.”

Naruto leaves the room. Kakashi sighs not reacting at all to the way Sakura sidles up to him.

“Sakura.”

“Yes sensei?” she chirps. 

“I will get you back for this.”

“Of course sensei.”

\--

Gai climbs in the window. Kakashi is mildly offended although he knows he can’t even lay claim to that much. 

He holds up his phone. Kakashi looks at his own dick. “I’m pretty sure you’re not meant to send me this.” Gai says mildly.

“Pretty sure what Naruto was drinking wasn’t beer.” He sighs. “Sorry.”

Gai looks clinically at his phone. Grunts. “We should talk about it.”

Kakashi points to the noodles he has on the stove. “Or we could eat this.” 

So they watch the  _ Prince and Me  _ with a pack of beer and spicy noodles. Kakashi wears the frayed sweatpants that do wonders for his ass but smell faintly of crotch sweat all the time. Gai puts on his honest to god lounging spandex. Despite the fact that Kakashi is as close to undressed as he gets without an interrogation squad Gai doesn’t pay him anymore attention than usual. He’s seen most of this before. It’s not really Gai’s fault that nearly normal behaviour is a sign of Kakashi’s deep unrelenting love for him.

It’s not anyone’s fault.

“He won’t elope.” Gai stuffs his mouth full of popcorn.

Kakashi steals some dumping it in his lap. “He will. But with the brunette. She’s gotten more roses.”

Gai looks at his crotch with mild disgust. “Real love must be experienced with the fullness of an open heart. Not cajoled with sparkly drinks and swimsuits.”

“You can get a lot of love that way.”

“ _ You  _ can’t.” Gai tries for salacious and ends up biting. 

Ouch. “I suppose I can’t.” Kakashi eats more instead of dealing with the sudden chill of the room. 

“You know I did not mean it like that.” Gai tenses. When Kakashi was fifteen he nearly broke Gai’s leg for saying something he didn’t like. It was during a spar but it shouldn’t have mattered. When Kakashi was fifteen he wanted to hold Gai’s hand. He made sure that didn’t matter. When Gai says  _ he didn’t mean what he said  _ he means that Kakashi’s bad behaviour will be forgiven. It’s sour and bad that Gai doesn’t expect a little bit more from him.

“I know you didn’t.” The prince gives his last rose to the brunette. The blonde smiles faintly with acceptance. She’s watched this show too. “Think she’ll be back next season?” 

“Undoubtedly.” Gai relaxes against the couch.

_ No, never.  _ Kakashi thinks sadly. He can trace every angle of his friends face backwards and forwards but he still doesn’t know how to make it yield. His stubborn will or his aching heart. None of it will move enough. Not enough to cross a couch.

They have a drinking/eating competition involving whatever they find in the cupboard. Kakashi wins, mostly because he’s nearly starved to death more times and his stomach will take anything. Gai rolls him into bed just south of 3am, bedding down in Kakashi’s living room himself. Kakashi wakes up with one of his dogs and a picture stuck to his face. It’s of his dogs wearing tutus, Gai wearing nothing but the bottom half of his pants cut into assless chaps and Kakashi wearing a beautiful dress. The dogs look badass.    

_ You can do this!  _ The cheerful writing says on the back. Of course Gai would think he’d find this inspiring. 

Kakashi rolls over in his empty silent bed, in it’s empty silent room, and concludes that if there is an afterlife it is cruel and full of unattainable men.

\--

He always assumed Sasuke just didn’t know or care where he lived. He’s rid of this when he wakes up after a night patrol to find a pissed off Uchiha curled around his coffee machine. He hostilely makes them both a cup of coffee then violently hands it to Kakashi. He’s done some shitful things to the kid over the years but nothing warranting this weird behaviour.

“Everyone thinks I fuck my pain away.” Sasuke spits like Kakashi did this to him personally. “I can’t go home until you call the number.”

The therapist. “Ah. Sakura didn’t help.”

He makes some facial expression that tries to be a scowl but is too pleased to make it all the way. “She might rupture something from suppressed laughter.”

Kakashi sips his excellent coffee. “So what do you do with your pain?”

“Drink like any normal fucking person.” He pauses, begrudging admitting anything. “And slam poetry.”

“...no.”

“Fuck you,” he retorts, “and no. Not because it isn’t a perfectly acceptable pastime, I just don’t want to bring you.”

It could be any number of things. He knows Sasuke volunteers at a local wild animal shelter. He’s a wonder with the birds and the snakes. He knows he also volunteers doing door to door knocking for orphan appeals. It was a mean spirited joke on Tsunade’s behalf but Sasuke is both terrifying and beautiful so when he dedicates himself to fleecing people of their money he exceeds all expectations. If anyone had stopped to think  _ why  _ Sasuke would be so set on bringing down the 1% through community action they probably wouldn’t have asked. All of Sasuke’s other hobbies involve fire and swords, so not that. 

They go downtown, all the way into the belly of the civilian city centre which unlike the shinobi city centre believes in silly things like ages of consent. Kakashi realises where they’re going with an unwieldy sense of wonder.   

Sasuke’s other  _ other _ form of relaxing is horribly embarrassing.

The lights around the billboard glitter around a poster of a maiden clutching the bottom of a man’s leg.  _ For Her, For Her Freedom He Will Give His All  _ is the tagline. “Is this what I think it is.”

Sasuke enters the movie theater. “Doubt it.”

Sasuke nods at the cashier when he purchases their tickets. Kakashi idly notes how pristine it is in here. The one on the other side of town is nice, don’t get him wrong, but it’s next to the chunnin standby station and has cheesy hot dog tuesdays. “And what are we seeing?”

Sasuke is silent for a long moment. When he speaks his voice blows out like wind through a shutter; breathless and stuttering. “My cousins snuck me into watch old movies from Iwa. The ones with the samurai and the princesses. Back then it was illegal to watch them.”

Right. Dead family. 

“I come on my own.” Sasuke monotones. “They don’t know.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

He gestures around the room at the students.“Why is it set up like this?”

“It’s still illegal to watch these movies. The only exception is public venues for educational purposes. Technically we’re sitting in on a seminar on the expansion of propaganda after the Second War.” Technically, Kakashi doesn’t need to add, they are being watched and added to a very specific terrorist watch list. Sasuke must sit in on a lot of dry boring lectures. “You must be so fun at parties.”

“You have no idea.”

“Must be why you have so many friends.” 

Sasuke waves a hand irritably. “I don’t, you know that.” He scowls. “Look, sometimes you’ve just got to do it. Coming back felt like taking a thousand steps backward but as it turns out I still had a lot to deal with. You don’t have to be happy.” At Kakashi’s surprise Sasuke’s tone turns chiding. “I’m not Naruto. Or Sakura. Better than both of them I know the value of being able to numb yourself, and the fear of losing it. You don’t  _ have _ to be happy. Just don’t be scared of it.” 

Two girls, out for a night from a local school, take one look at the two of them and turn themselves inside out to get away. Civilians.“I don’t think your friends like you.” Kakashi ventures.

“Really?” Sasuke says wryly, “because my other friends like me a lot.”

Kakashi rolls his eyes. He’s almost unspeakably grateful that what Sasuke learnt from his shitty hand in life was humility, self reflection and the ability to make friends. That does not mean that the kid isn’t 93% asshole. He will always remember the sad, lonely kid he was, just as he remembers the sad, angry monster he was growing up to be. That the worst didn’t come to pass is a blessing not even his cold cynical heart can deny.

Instead of saying something rude, Kakashi buys a round of drinks and says nothing about the movie. 

\--

He actually fucking goes to the therapist.

Not because his kids make him but because Jiraiya sends him a letter that states that until  _ he  _ stops receiving lectures on the emotional quality of his novels  _ Kakashi  _ will be banned from reading them. Naruto has decided to go full throttle on shinobi emotional-sexual health and he is starting from the  _ heart. _ Kakashi sends him back a note pointing out that it is  _ his fault  _ that Naruto has a complex and nuanced understanding of his sexuality. 

The point stands. As does the frog that pukes up Jiraiya’s reply. He has to go to fucking therapy.  

Sakura hands over a number easily enough. She doesn’t like him going to civilian therapy. Despite, or maybe because of, growing up civilian she has serious doubts that someone ‘not in the lifestyle’ could understand. Could empathize. But as he’d pointed out to her it was this or actually hold a conversation in the jounin station and he will submit himself to one of Naruto’s Ultimate Pranks before he does that. 

His therapist gives no indication of emotion. He sits still and open, a completely neutral presence in the room. It is actually very creepy. There’s still forty minutes on the clock and his performance is being evaluated. He waits another twenty five minutes in complete silence, then he sighs and begins describing the latest Icha Icha novel. 

His therapist engages for the first time giving Kakashi something to work with. “Tell me about your favourite part.”

_ Tell me about  _ is not  _ read aloud _ . Since this is very much a pass fail type situation Kakashi talks about action scenes, the non-steamy romances and occasionally about his favourite characters. The therapist murmurs approvingly goading him on when he pauses.  

“Would you say you enjoy characters like the hero in the last book who had no skill but worked hard for recognition?”

“I guess.”

“More than you like his talented best friend who never really has to try?”

His immediate thought is  _ I love all my children even the goth one.  _ His next thought is  _ dear god not another ‘Obito is the secret connecting string of his life’. _

“It’s a good thing to admire.” His therapist insists. “It’s nice to know your heroes are human.”

Kakashi blinks.

“I can’t tell you my name for safety purposes,” his therapist smiles briefly, “but I know who you are. It’s a good thing, I think, that you can see value in others like that. Be proud of it. You’re clearly proud of them.”

He breathes in once, sharply. Well shit. Guess he has to pay the guy.

The therapist concludes their session by bullying him into another one. Kakashi is feeling just relieved enough to not bother trying to sneak out. On his way home he comes across a commotion. Even from a distance he can hear the green spandex and sparkles. 

“Rival!” Gai slides to a stop next to him. “Have lunch with me.”

The problem is that he’s thinking about it. He’s thinking about Gai’s black hair. He’s thinking about the year he lived in Kakashi’s shitty apartment while he was away, just so he’d have someone to come home too. He’s thinking that, that year -when he was deep in Root and drowning, was the closest he’s ever come to just ending it, and it wasn’t just that Gai stayed with him when he could, it was that Gai listened to one song for three weeks on repeat after a bad break up. He forgot to pay utility bills and never replaced the milk. He once got so obsessed with a morning radio workout show they nearly got kicked out. He did all these shitty roommate things that proved he was just another human. Some part of Kakashi has never forgiven him for that. For making Kakashi a little more normal too. 

His eternal problem is that when everyone else was learning to touch each other softly he was out there slaughtering his way across the continent. So that leaves him out of the loop, hands cold, feeling like a fool. 

He takes a half step back from Gai, hands safely in his pockets. “Maybe another time.”

\--

Kakashi did not  _ actually  _ ask his kids for dating advice, let’s just get that out of the way first.

They get stuck, all of Team 7, in a small resort town during a heat wave. Sasuke was the first to fall prey to the whims of the resort. He walked outside for about twenty seconds during which the sun ate him alive. He crawled into the air conditioned lounge of a nearby bar, curled around a pitcher of flavoured souchu doing an  _ extraordinary  _ impression of his summon, forked tongue and all. Sakura joined him because she likes peach flavouring. Naruto begins pining the second his team leaves his immediate sight. Kakashi likes beer.  __

“Well how do you get out of the mood.” Naruto postulates. “I can’t turn it off. The dick wants what it wants.”

Sakura snorts. “Oh we are aware.” She’s right. They  _ all  _ spent puberty with Naruto’s...excitability. 

“Orochimaru’s tongue.” Sasuke drops his head miserably on to the table. “I am in so much pain.”

“It’s good to elucidate our feelings.” Sakura pats him on the back good naturedly. “Gout. Foot gout.”

“Is there another kind of gout?” Kakashi asks mildly.

Sakura stares into the middle distance, one hand absently stroking Sasuke on the back. “I’d rather not say.”

Naruto shakes his head, hands waving around. “Why his tongue? Why not just, like, the concept of him, all of it-”

“It’s too long. It just keeps going.” Sasuke whines. Poor thing really is suffering.

“Well sure, but on an erotic level that’s almost a plus.”

“Please don’t.”

“Anko has the same ability and you did say you’d do her-”

“ _ Please don’t. _ ”

“I should take him in.” Sakura squints at him. She’s inclined to just leave him here and have a good day by herself but some altruism wiggles through the heat stroke. She picks him up and walks out, Sasuke groaning all the way.

“Don’t have sex with Anko,” Kakashi calls out just to be a dick.

“I’ll put her on the list!” Sakura yells back. 

Kakashi shakes his head with a smile. He refills his drink and Naruto’s. “No speech?”

“Naw.”

“Why not?” He’s feeling a little injured by the lack of rousing speech if he’s being honest. Naruto is emotionally invested in the happiness and progress of everything and everyone around him. He has weekly chats with  _ frogs  _ about their marital issues for fucks sake.

Naruto shrugs. “‘Cause you’re a brave man. And a good person. You deserve to be happy.”

The perfect beauty of Naruto’s vision: everyone gets what he thinks they deserve, even when they don’t see it in themselves. 

Kakashi fights not to tear up a little. 

“I love you,” Naruto slurs, “and when that’s not enough you have Sakura and Sasuke, too. It’s like icing, or everything ramen! It’s really, really good, but still a sometimes food, but vegetables you can eat all the time. So everything ramen is better, but not filling, but it can be, because it has vegetables. But you can have vegetables anyway.” His eyes glow with the endearing passion and sincerity of his speech. 

That’s...certainly something. “What vegetable are you?”

“I’m a naruto.” He puffs up his cheeks.. “I am superior to vegetables.”

“Right.”

“It’s like Icha Icha side novels.” Naruto slurs decisively for someone with heat stroke. “You don’t  _ need  _ them. But they make the whole thing better, right?”

“Sure.” He ruffles Naruto’s hair. In it’s own way that’s like saying  _ I love you, too. _

\--

Three months and two weeks in he decides to just put himself out there. It’s been months of living around his infatuation with Gai, months of living around his therapists sharp insights and he is just kind of fed up with himself. He used to have a system where he’d just shove it all to the back and read a book. Now he’s working on things like his ‘emotional aptitude’ and ‘expressions of interest’. It is so he can get back to reading his books but his therapist is an extortionist and more interested in result than method. 

His kids are part of it too. It’s been a very long time of feeling that he’s letting them down. He knows he has, every one you love has to let you down at some point, but he does love them warts and all. He wants to be able to be good for them. A reliable adult. It’s just that now somehow they’ve all caught up. Sasuke has come full circle back to being a good natured snobby brat rather than a calamity waiting to happen. Naruto is comfortable in his exuberance, not using it as a crutch but as an asset to propel him further. Sakura is so brilliant, so talented and so loved he wishes he could go back and tell her she’d be okay. They’re adults too.

And in some ways, he thinks ruefully, a lot better at it than him.

He turns slightly to the left catching Sakura’s eye. “Why haven’t you tried to raise my moral?”

Sakura doesn’t look p from her paperwork laid out on his kitchen bench. “Have you  _ seen  _ what everyone else came up with? How could I possibly top that.”

“Sakura,” he says reprovingly. An interesting conversational position he has nowhere to go with.

She kisses him on the cheek. “I love you. Go embarrass yourself for love.” With a deft move that any ninja would be proud of she tucks a piece of paper into his pocket. “Then take my grocery list to the market. I don’t trust Naruto and Sasuke to not let their personalities get in the way of me having the toiletries I like.”

She forcibly removes him from his apartment with an acidic reminder to  _ please for the love of good buy new jam if he isn’t going to buy real food.  _ He tries to remember what jams she’s not fond of but would eat in a pinch. The trick to keeping Sakura and by extension the black hole that is Naruto and Sasuke out of his food is to buy things she doesn’t like but not so much she notices. Sakura expects him to not care about things like eating real food. She doesn’t expect him to have gone to the extra expense to turn the back of his pantry into a hideaway fridge. He’s got expensive taste and no will to share.

_ Ganbatte!  _ The paper says. In very small block writing at the bottom is Sakura’s favourite brand of menstrual cup. Supportive and pragmatic, that’s his girl.

He climbs in Gai’s window, makes himself a cup of coffee and waits. His barefeet and the tangle of his mask is the first thing Gai sees when he walks in the door. His mouth drops. It’s satisfying to finally get the reaction he’s looking for. “I-” He doesn’t have to be afraid of this. “Would you like to go out.”

Gai closes his mouth. “Out to?”

“Out with me?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” Kakashi says. “Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I ended up with plans to write a 3 plus 1 type thing about Kakashi and Gai dating. Also character work. Specifically why Gai is still single. It's not cause he can't get it. I sometimes think i don;t hit hard enough with characterization -although subtle is my preference- and I don't think I got enough done here. It just really did not fit the tone of the story, so I hope this will make up for it. 
> 
> There is the original third part of this called: Sasuke's No Good, Very Bad Vacation feat Jiraiya and Naruto. Which I will write after NTfS which understandably takes most of my energy.


End file.
